The first is the best and most fun! A few days ago Anthony came home for lunch and we all sat down to eat together and then started getting ready to take him back to work (we're down a car right now) ... So, after eating I sat down on the couch ready to put my shoes and socks on. I started to lean forward only to be stopped by my big belly! I looked at Anthony, laughed and told him I should have done this BEFORE eating lunch! He came over, got down on his knees and put my shoes and socks on for me!!! This was a first! Through all my other pregnancies we've never done that before. I don't know if that says something good about him and how he's getting better at helping all the time, or if it says how sadly I am in more need of help?!? ;)
The next is not so good. I'm down to the last 5-6 weeks of pregnancy here and I've started to worry and panic a lot. I'm a pretty laid back person and don't let myself get too worked up over things very often. My overall feeling is that things will work out. But the other morning, I woke up and worried that Serenity wasn't moving as much as she should be. I spent the morning, drinking over 32 oz of water, (going to the bathroom) and laying down doing "kick counts" to make sure everything was alright. Of course my imagination was going CRAZY the whole time with worry and terrible possibilities. Once I got myself calmed down, things were fine for the rest of the day.
Then, this morning I did my 6am potty run and couldn't get back to sleep after that. Normal right? Well, it would have been except that I had this half awake, half asleep panic attack that Serenity wasn't moving enough again. She WAS moving just fine, and even though my mind kept telling myself that, the rest of me would not listen!!! I kept thinking well, even if she's fine there are a million other things that could be happening and I wouldn't know it! It was terrible!! I know some women do this every pregnancy no matter what, but I know for me this is part of my grieving, and anxiety that is manifesting itself in this way. And since I'm not prone to this way of thinking I don't really have a good coping system down. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the next few weeks!!! I know that I'm probably stuck with these worries until I can hold her and see for myself that she is fine.
They say that people who have lost a child often have a hard time letting their other children sleep. They constantly wake them up to make sure they're okay. I don't actually wake my kids up, but I do check on them every bathroom trip and make sure they're breathing and touch their faces to make sure they're warm. My current problem being that I can't do that with Serenity yet, so I'm stuck worrying!!! I don't like it, and I don't know how some of you women do it!!!!
On a positive note, this has helped me to realize that even though I'm having another daughter, life and my experiences with her will be different and will be our own and her own. They won't be a copy of Felicity. Serenity is her own person and I am her Mother as well, and she is my daughter as well. I will love her as much as Felicity, but differently. Her life will be filled with all her own experiences. I don't need to worry that I am trying to replace Felicity or that our experiences will be the same. They will be different, just as she will be different, just as this pregnancy has been different. I'm thankful for the perspective that new situations bring. I'm thankful for a new way to see things. And I'm thankful for both my daughters and can't wait to meet Serenity.
I think it appropriate that we'll be naming her Serenity. I have always loved the Serenity prayer and I think it is particularly applicable for me now: "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
1 comment:
I love the Serenity prayer too. The name is perfect for her and your family. I can't wait for you to meet her and I can't wait to see pictures.
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